Episode 14: Compassionate Boundaries: How to Set Limits Without Guilt

June 16, 2025•7 min read

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Do you break out in hives at the thought of setting a boundary? You're not alone. If the mere idea of telling someone "no" or establishing limits makes your palms sweat and your heart race, this conversation is for you. In their latest episode, Kristen and Scott Boss dive deep into one of the most misunderstood concepts in healthy relationships: boundaries.

But here's the plot twist—what if boundaries aren't about building walls or being mean? What if they're actually one of the most loving things you can do for both yourself and others?

Redefining What a Boundary Really Is

Most of us think of boundaries as barriers, fences, or divisions that push people away. But Kristen and Scott offer a refreshing perspective: boundaries define responsibility, not rejection. They're not walls—they're gates with keys.

"A boundary is not necessarily like a barrier, but it's a line in which we define where we end and someone else begins," Scott explains. Think of it as a gate rather than a wall—there's still separation, but there's also the function of a gate that you can open at your choosing.

This reframe is crucial because it shifts boundaries from being about exclusion to being about compassionate clarity. You're not shutting people out; you're providing a clear roadmap for how to stay in healthy relationship with you.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

Before we can embrace healthy boundaries, we need to understand why they feel so difficult in the first place. The struggle often comes down to three core fears:

Fear of Not Being Loved

The big question lurking beneath boundary anxiety is: "Will I still be loved if I limit access to me?" For many people, their sense of worth is tied to being constantly available and accommodating. Setting a boundary feels like risking rejection or abandonment.

Fear of Conflict

Boundaries can trigger conflict, and many of us will do anything to avoid that discomfort. We'd rather overextend ourselves than face potential pushback or disappointment from others.

Identity Crisis

"I don't know who I will be as a boundaried person," Kristen shares. "I don't know who I am if I'm not constantly managing other people's feelings, emotions, their problems." For chronic people-pleasers and fixers, boundaries can feel like losing their entire sense of purpose and identity.

The Difference Between Reactive and Healthy Boundaries

Not all boundaries are created equal. There's a crucial distinction between reactive boundaries and healthy ones:

Reactive boundaries come from a place of hurt, anger, or revenge. They're the "burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice..." boundaries that are more about punishment than protection.

Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, come from a place of self-respect and love for the relationship. They're proactive rather than reactive, clear rather than punitive.

As Henry Cloud writes in his book Boundaries, "Boundaries define responsibility, not rejection." A healthy boundary serves the relationship by creating space where both people can show up as their best selves.

Compassionate Clarity in Action

The magic happens when we reframe boundaries as compassionate clarity. This means setting limits that allow you to love both yourself and the other person simultaneously.

Kristen shares a perfect real-life example: Imagine living on the same street as extended family who feel free to drop by unannounced at any time. Without boundaries, they might walk in during a chaotic morning when the dog has just thrown up, the kids are fighting, and you haven't had your coffee yet. In that state, you're not going to be your best self—you might be short, snappy, or rude, ultimately hurting both yourself and your family member.

But with a simple boundary—"Just call me 15 minutes ahead to make sure it's okay"—you create space for both of you to have a much better interaction. You're not rejecting them; you're setting up conditions for connection to thrive.

Boundaries in Real Life

In Marriage

Healthy boundaries in marriage look like being clear without being controlling. They help maintain autonomy while staying connected. Scott shares how he had to create boundaries around not needing to know every detail of Kristen's friendships or therapy sessions—not because he doesn't care, but because maintaining some individual space actually serves their relationship.

With Children

Kids actually long for boundaries because they provide safety and security. Like dogs testing an invisible fence, children will push against limits to understand where they are. The key is setting compassionate clarity ahead of time—explaining what's acceptable and what the consequences will be—rather than reacting in the heat of the moment.

At Work

Workplace boundaries look different depending on your stress response type. People-pleasers might need to practice saying, "Here are the projects I'm currently working on. I don't have the capacity for that at this point in time." Fixers might need to delegate instead of micromanaging. The goal is advocating for yourself so you can show up as a healthy, functional person in your workspace.

The Foundation: Boundaries with Yourself

Here's the game-changer that ties everything together: You can't set boundaries with others if you consistently violate your own.

Self-boundaries are about honoring your energy, capacity, and commitments to yourself. It's about not taking on more than you have bandwidth for, respecting your own needs, and not abandoning yourself to maintain false peace.

Kristen reflects on how violating self-boundaries can lead to physical and emotional burnout: "I think lack of boundaries or violated self boundaries is a recipe for burnout. On every level, emotionally, relationally, physically."

The beautiful truth is that when you start honoring your own boundaries, setting them with others becomes much more natural and authentic.

Boundaries Evolve

Remember, boundaries aren't fixed or permanent. They can evolve based on your season and capacity. You might need stricter boundaries during particularly challenging times—caring for a sick parent, going through a major transition, or dealing with a heavy workload. As circumstances change, you can reevaluate and adjust your boundaries intentionally, not out of guilt or pressure.

Your Boundary Reset: Happywell Homework

Ready to put this into practice? Here's your two-part homework:

Evaluate your self-boundaries: Where are you abandoning yourself to maintain peace? Where are you compromising your health, values, or what matters to you to keep others happy?
Identify one area for a boundary: Choose one relationship or situation where you feel stretched thin. Write out one kind, compassionate, clear boundary statement. Ask yourself: How does this boundary help me love myself and love the other person simultaneously?

The Distance of Love

Perhaps the most powerful reframe from this entire conversation is this: Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both you and me simultaneously.

They're not about pushing people away—they're about creating the optimal conditions for love, respect, and authentic connection to flourish. When you set a healthy boundary, you're not being mean or selfish. You're being loving enough to both of you to create space for your best selves to show up.

So the next time you feel those boundary-setting hives coming on, remember: you're not building a wall. You're offering a key to deeper, healthier relationship. And that's one of the most generous gifts you can give.

What's Your Stress Type?

To discover your specific stress response type, take the free Adaptive Personality Type (APT) quiz at sonderalife.com. Join The Pursuit of Happywell podcast community on Facebook to share your insights and connect with others on this journey.

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About Your Hosts

Scott and Kristen built a $20+ million business before realizing that traditional success metrics weren't telling the whole story. They've coached thousands through both business and life transformations, learning firsthand that the path to fulfillment isn't what social media portrays. Based in Colorado with their two kids and two dogs, they bring authentic conversations about what actually creates a well-lived life in today's complex world.