How "Help Me Understand" Can Revolutionize Your Relationships

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship—whether romantic, familial, or professional. Yet most of us approach disagreements with the same ineffective strategies we learned in childhood, often escalating tensions rather than resolving them. What if I told you that three simple words could change everything?

In a recent episode of The Pursuit of Happywell, hosts Scott and Kristen Boss shared a powerful phrase that has the potential to diffuse up to 90% of arguments before they spiral out of control: "Help me understand."

Why Conflict Escalates So Quickly

Before diving into the solution, it's crucial to understand why conflicts often explode into something much bigger than the original issue. The escalation typically happens when we perceive conflict as a threat to our safety, security, or sense of being heard and valued.

When we feel unheard, unseen, or attacked, our nervous system kicks into survival mode, triggering one of four stress responses:

Fight: Counterattacking, interrupting, arguing loudly, or talking rapidly to be heard Flight: Avoiding the conversation, walking away physically or mentally checking out Freeze: Brain fog, inability to find words, or shutting down completely Fawn: Over-apologizing, abandoning your own feelings to appease the other person

These responses aren't conscious choices—they're biological reactions that happen faster than our logical brain can intervene. Understanding your default stress response is the first step toward changing how you handle conflict.

The Science Behind "Help Me Understand"

This three-word phrase works because it accomplishes several crucial things simultaneously:

1. Interrupts the Automatic Reaction Loop

When someone says "Help me understand," it breaks the cycle of attack and defense that typically escalates conflict. Instead of feeling the need to protect themselves, the other person is invited to share their perspective.

2. Creates Emotional Safety

The phrase signals that you're not trying to win or prove them wrong—you genuinely want to hear their side. This shift from combat to curiosity immediately lowers the emotional temperature of the conversation.

3. Opens a Door Rather Than Building a Wall

Instead of creating separation, these words invite connection. They communicate that despite the disagreement, you still want to understand and maintain the relationship.

How It Helps Each Stress Response Type

The beauty of "Help me understand" lies in how it specifically addresses each stress response:

For Fight Types: It forces them to slow down and move from attacking to introspection. Instead of rapid-fire defending, they must pause to articulate their feelings thoughtfully.

For Flight Types: It creates an invitation to stay present rather than escaping. When someone genuinely wants to hear from you, it becomes easier to remain engaged in the conversation.

For Freeze Types: It grounds them in curiosity and brings their brain back online. Being asked a genuine question can cut through the fog and help them reconnect with their thoughts.

For Fawn Types: It offers a way to express their true feelings without guilt. They're given explicit permission to disagree and take up space in the conversation.

Putting It Into Practice

The key to making this phrase work is genuine curiosity. If you use "Help me understand" sarcastically or as a weapon ("Help me understand why you're always so difficult"), it will backfire spectacularly.

Here are some effective ways to use the phrase:

Instead of: "You're overreacting" Try: "Help me understand what feels overwhelming to you right now"

Instead of: "That's not what I meant" Try: "Help me understand what you heard versus what I was trying to say"

Instead of: "Why are you so difficult?" Try: "Help me understand what's important to you in this situation"

Fighting Clean vs. Fighting Dirty

Using "Help me understand" is part of what the hosts call "fighting clean"—engaging in conflict with the goal of connection rather than conquest. Clean fighting means:

• Staying focused on the current issue (not bringing up past grievances)

• Avoiding absolute terms like "always" and "never"

• Seeking to understand rather than to win

• Maintaining respect for the other person's humanity

Fighting dirty, on the other hand, involves scorekeeping, personal attacks, bringing up unrelated past conflicts, and using manipulation tactics to gain the upper hand.

The Role of Childhood in Our Conflict Styles

How you witnessed conflict as a child significantly shapes your adult approach to disagreements. Some people grew up in high-conflict homes and learned to see arguments as battlegrounds. Others came from families where conflict was hidden, leading them to view any disagreement as threatening to the relationship.

If you never saw healthy conflict resolution modeled, you might default to avoiding conflict entirely—which ultimately creates loneliness and disconnection. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict but to learn how to navigate it in ways that strengthen rather than damage relationships.

Beyond the Words: The Mindset Shift

While "Help me understand" is a powerful tool, it's most effective when it represents a genuine mindset shift. The goal is to approach conflict as an opportunity to:

• Understand your partner, friend, or colleague more deeply

• Learn about different perspectives and worldviews

• Practice emotional regulation and communication skills

• Strengthen the relationship through successful repair

This requires moving away from the idea that conflict is something to win and toward seeing it as a bridge to deeper connection.

Your Action Plan

Ready to try this approach? Here's how to start:

1. Reflect on a recent conflict: What was your stress response? Were you trying to understand or trying to win?
   
   

2. Practice in low-stakes situations: Start using "Help me understand" in everyday conversations to build your curiosity muscle before trying it in heated moments.
   
   

3. Take a breath first: In your next difficult conversation, pause and breathe before responding. This helps you move out of reactive mode.
   
   

4. Notice the difference: Pay attention to how the conversation shifts when you approach it with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness.

The Ripple Effect

When you consistently approach conflict with curiosity rather than combat, you're not just improving individual conversations—you're modeling healthy conflict resolution for others. Children, friends, and colleagues learn from watching how you handle disagreements, creating a ripple effect of better communication.

Remember, conflict isn't the enemy of good relationships—it's an inevitable part of human connection. The question isn't whether you'll face disagreements, but whether you'll use them as opportunities to understand each other more deeply or as weapons to defend your position.

The next time you find yourself in a heated moment, try taking a breath and asking, "Help me understand." You might be surprised by how quickly three simple words can transform conflict into connection.

What's your default stress response in conflict? Take a moment to reflect, and consider how "Help me understand" might change your next difficult conversation.

What's Your Stress Type?

To discover your specific stress response type, take the free Adaptive Personality Type (APT) quiz at sonderalife.com. Join The Pursuit of Happywell podcast community on Facebook to share your insights and connect with others on this journey.

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About Your Hosts

Scott and Kristen built a $20+ million business before realizing that traditional success metrics weren't telling the whole story. They've coached thousands through both business and life transformations, learning firsthand that the path to fulfillment isn't what social media portrays. Based in Colorado with their two kids and two dogs, they bring authentic conversations about what actually creates a well-lived life in today's complex world.

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