Episode 12: Why Am I Like This?” — Understanding Your Hidden Stress Response

June 02, 2025•7 min read

"Why Am I Like This?" The Hidden Stress Response Behind Your Stuck Patterns

Have you ever found yourself asking that familiar, frustrated question: "Why am I like this?" Maybe you've set goals to wake up earlier, finally tackle that important project, or respond more calmly in challenging situations—only to find yourself back in the same exhausting patterns that leave you feeling stuck and defeated.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, you're not broken.

What if the behaviors that drive you crazy—the procrastination, the people-pleasing, the perfectionist paralysis, or the tendency to take on everyone else's problems—aren't character flaws but actually protective responses your nervous system has developed to keep you safe?

The Real Culprit: Your Hidden Stress Response

When we think of stress, we often picture obvious scenarios: looming deadlines, difficult conversations, or major life changes. But stress, from your nervous system's perspective, is much broader. It's any strain that your body isn't prepared for—from being in a calorie deficit during a diet to receiving an unexpected email that creates that familiar pit in your stomach.

Here's the fascinating part: your body can't distinguish between a grizzly bear charging at you and a triggering email from your boss. Both activate the same ancient survival mechanisms that have kept humans alive for millennia.

The problem? These survival responses, while designed to protect us from immediate physical threats, often create the very patterns that keep us stuck in modern life.

The Four Core Stress Responses

Understanding your stress response starts with recognizing which of the four primary nervous system reactions you default to when feeling threatened or overwhelmed:

Fight: The Problem Solver

If you're a "fighter," stress activates your inner problem-solver. You roll up your sleeves, dive into action, and seek solutions with intensity. You might pride yourself on being calm in a crisis or being the person others turn to when things fall apart.

The shadow side? You might struggle with delegation, become the bottleneck in your business or relationships, and exhaust yourself by taking on more than your fair share. You might even find yourself reaching for multiple solutions simultaneously—buying all the books, trying all the productivity apps, becoming a flurry of activity when stressed.

Flight: The Busy Avoider

Flight responses look like constant motion—but not always productive motion. If this is your pattern, you might find yourself incredibly busy yet frustrated that you're not making meaningful progress on what matters most.

You'll clean the entire house before sitting down to work on that important presentation. You'll organize your desk, update your social media, and handle twenty small tasks—anything except the three most important things on your list. This isn't laziness; it's your nervous system's way of avoiding the stress of tackling something that feels threatening or overwhelming.

Freeze: The Information Gatherer

Freeze responses often masquerade as perfectionism, but they're actually rooted in a deep fear of being wrong. If you freeze under stress, you might find yourself endlessly researching, reading, and analyzing without ever taking action.

You'll buy course after course, read book after book, and consume information for hours—but struggle to implement anything. It's not about achieving perfection; it's about avoiding the vulnerability of potentially making a mistake.

Fawn: The Harmonizer

If you have a fawn response, your stress management strategy revolves around making sure everyone around you is happy and comfortable. Your own goals, needs, and wellbeing consistently take a backseat to others' immediate needs.

You might start each day with clear priorities, only to abandon them the moment someone else expresses a need. This response is common among natural caretakers and can show up as chronic people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and a sense that your value comes from what you do for others.

Why These Patterns Persist

Each stress response offers short-term relief but often compounds problems long-term. The procrastinator (flight) gets temporary relief from avoiding a stressful task, but the pressure builds and the deadline still looms. The people-pleaser (fawn) maintains harmony in the moment but sacrifices their own goals and gradually builds resentment.

These patterns persist because they work—at least initially. They help us feel safer in the moment, even when they ultimately keep us stuck.

The Power of the Pause

Here's the crucial insight: you can't eliminate your stress response. That initial, knee-jerk reaction will always be there—it's hardwired into your nervous system. The fight type will always want to solve problems immediately. The flight type will always feel the urge to busy themselves with easier tasks.

But here's what you can change: what happens after that initial response.

The key is developing what we call a "strategic pause"—that crucial moment between feeling triggered and taking action. In that pause, you can breathe, regulate your nervous system, and choose a response that aligns with your long-term goals rather than just your immediate need for safety.

Why One-Size-Fits-All Solutions Don't Work

This understanding explains why the same productivity hack or self-help strategy works brilliantly for your friend but falls flat for you. A flight type who uses food to soothe stress will need different weight-loss strategies than someone who doesn't have that pattern. A freeze type will need different approaches to taking action than a fight type who jumps into problem-solving mode.

Personal growth isn't one-size-fits-all because we're not all wired the same way. Your stress response type determines which tools and strategies will actually work for you.

Beyond Personal Impact: The Ripple Effect

Understanding stress responses isn't just about personal development—it has profound implications for how we show up in the world. Every interaction you have, from the grocery store to the boardroom, is influenced by how you're managing your internal stress.

Think about it: the person who snaps at the coffee shop employee might be defaulting to a fight response after a stressful morning. The colleague who consistently misses deadlines might be stuck in a freeze pattern. The friend who always says yes but seems overwhelmed might be operating from a fawn response.

When we understand this, we can approach others (and ourselves) with more compassion and clarity.

Your Next Steps

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, remember: awareness is the first step, not self-judgment. These responses developed to keep you safe, and they've likely served you well in many situations.

The goal isn't to eliminate these responses but to:

Recognize when they're happening
Create space for a pause
Choose responses that align with your values and long-term goals

Start small. When you notice that familiar internal chaos or activation, try taking just three seconds to breathe—not a shallow chest breath, but a deep belly breath that fills you up like a hot air balloon. That simple pause can be the difference between reacting from your stress response and responding from your values.

The Bigger Picture

Emotional resilience—the ability to adapt effectively to stress—is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction and success. It's not about avoiding stress (which is impossible and unhealthy) but about developing a healthier relationship with it.

Stress, in appropriate doses, helps us grow stronger, just like physical exercise. The key is learning to work with our stress responses rather than being controlled by them.

When you understand your patterns, you can finally answer that question "Why am I like this?" with compassion rather than frustration. You're like this because your nervous system is doing its job—protecting you. Now you get to teach it new ways to keep you safe while also helping you thrive.

The path forward isn't about fixing yourself; it's about understanding yourself. And that understanding is the foundation for creating lasting change in every area of your life.

What's Your Stress Type?

To discover your specific stress response type, take the free Adaptive Personality Type (APT) quiz at sonderalife.com. Join The Pursuit of Happywell podcast community on Facebook to share your insights and connect with others on this journey.

Join the Movement

Ready to redefine what success and happiness look like for you?

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts
Follow on Spotify
Watch full episodes on YouTube
Join the conversation on Instagram
Share with friends who are also questioning the standard success narrative

Remember, you're not just here to exist—you're here to thrive. Keep going, keep growing, and join us next time on The Pursuit of Happywell.

About Your Hosts

Scott and Kristen built a $20+ million business before realizing that traditional success metrics weren't telling the whole story. They've coached thousands through both business and life transformations, learning firsthand that the path to fulfillment isn't what social media portrays. Based in Colorado with their two kids and two dogs, they bring authentic conversations about what actually creates a well-lived life in today's complex world.