Episode 9: Marriage and Money: How to Turn Financial Tension into Connection
Did you know that nearly 57% of divorces are linked to money issues? That sobering statistic ranks financial conflict second only to infidelity as a reason marriages end. But what if money conversations could actually strengthen your relationship rather than threaten it?
In the latest episode of The Pursuit of Happywell podcast, Scott and Kristen Boss get refreshingly honest about their own financial journey as a couple. From dramatic budget-talk meltdowns (yes, there was literal floor-throwing) to secret credit cards and "revenge spending," they unpack the emotional psychology behind why money matters are so charged in relationships.
This isn't about spreadsheets or investment strategies. It's about understanding the deeper emotional currents that make money such a challenging topic for so many couples—and how to navigate them successfully.
When Money Talks Go Sideways: The Floor-Throwing Incident
Just one month after their wedding, Scott approached Kristen with what seemed like an innocent suggestion: "Let's sit down and talk about our budget."
What happened next still makes them laugh years later. As Kristen describes it: "I think I remember feeling like the room closed in on me and I was about to lose all of my autonomy... And so what I did do was... Scott remembers this... I threw myself onto the floor."
This dramatic reaction wasn't actually about numbers or spending limits. As Kristen explains, "The story I was telling myself was that I was about to lose all my freedom."
This pivotal moment illustrates what financial psychologist Morgan Housel aptly states in his book The Psychology of Money: "Money decisions aren't about spreadsheets. They're about emotions, history, and psychology."
The Childhood Money Stories We Bring to Marriage
Our reactions to financial discussions often stem from experiences and messages we internalized long before saying "I do." For Kristen, money represented freedom and autonomy:
"Money was like punishment or reward... I viewed money as my ultimate freedom. Money meant freedom to me, freedom to make choices. And if I didn't have money, I didn't have choices. And I was left to someone else making the choices for me."
Scott, meanwhile, grew up with a scarcity mindset: "We just didn't have money... The way we spent stuff, things weren't lavish. We didn't go on big vacations or anything like that... What that meant was for me, I need to track every cent."
These contrasting perspectives created the perfect storm when they tried to merge their financial lives. Kristen feared control and loss of independence, while Scott feared insecurity and uncertainty.
Understanding your own money story—and your partner's—is the first crucial step toward healthier financial conversations. Before you even open a spreadsheet, ask yourself: What did money represent in my childhood home? What messages did I absorb about spending, saving, and financial security?
The Three Major Money Conflicts in Marriage
Scott and Kristen identify three primary areas where financial tension typically emerges in relationships:
1. Spending vs. Saving vs. Shared Vision
The classic saver-spender dynamic plays out in many marriages. One partner prioritizes security through saving, while the other values experiences and enjoyment through spending.
Scott admits that without Kristen's influence, "I would have a very black and white, boring life. I wouldn't see a lot of things. I wouldn't go on a lot of experiences, adventures, wouldn't make some core memories that have been made with our kids."
The solution? Moving beyond the binary of "spender vs. saver" toward a shared vision that honors both perspectives. This requires compromise and regular conversations about what matters most to both of you.
One practical shift that helped Scott was creating what he calls a "didn't budget for" category—essentially building margin into their financial plan for spontaneity and unplanned joys. As he explains, "This is for things that like, hey, we're gonna go get ice cream with the kids after school... They're like, I would say, knick-knacky things."
2. Secrecy and Control vs. Transparency and Autonomy
Early in their marriage, Kristen kept a secret credit card: "I hid it from you for a while because again, I really thought you were trying to control me... So my way of keeping my control and my independence was having that little Coles card."
This pattern of financial secrecy is common, often rooted in fears of judgment, loss of freedom, or avoiding conflict. However, secrecy ultimately erodes trust—the foundation of a healthy financial partnership.
The solution Scott and Kristen found was twofold:
Transparency: No more secret spending or hidden accounts
Built-in autonomy: Creating dedicated personal spending allowances ("beauty budgets" in Kristen's case) that don't require permission or explanation
For those in controlling or potentially unsafe financial situations, Kristen acknowledges a different reality: "Sometimes there is secrecy because sometimes women are in unsafe marriages and they start putting money away so they can leave. There are unfortunately some women that are financially in places and they are utterly dependent on the primary earner and they feel very helpless."
3. Individual Priorities vs. Regular Financial Check-ins
When financial decisions happen in isolation without regular communication, resentment can build. The solution? Scheduled, low-pressure money conversations focused on alignment rather than accounting.
"94% of marriages say they have quote unquote 'great marriages' because they have consistent recurring conversations of finances," Scott notes.
These check-ins work best when framed around values and vision rather than just numbers. As Kristen suggests, "Don't make it about numbers. Maybe it just starts with value exploration first... what fills my cup... what contributes to your emotional and mental wellbeing."
The Unexpected Reality of "Revenge Spending"
One of the most refreshingly honest moments in the episode comes when Scott and Kristen admit to "revenge spending"—that reactive impulse to spend when your partner has made a significant purchase.
"When you go out and you're like, 'I'm gonna go, I think I'm gonna go buy this thing'... you come in with what I call your chocolate milk face... Big grin on your face and I know you just bought something... And then I go buy something that had been on my list forever. And it's a revenge spend."
Scott even admits to sometimes purposely making purchases to give Kristen "permission" to buy something she wants: "Sometimes I want you to rebel so that I can go rebel."
This cycle, while common, can undermine financial progress and breed resentment. The antidote? Open communication about wants and needs, and a system for making significant financial decisions together.
The Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light System
One of the most valuable tools Scott and Kristen share is a simple decision-making framework they learned from friends:
When facing any significant financial decision, each partner identifies where they stand:
Green light: Fully on board
Yellow light: Need more time or information
Red light: Not comfortable proceeding
The rule? They only move forward when both are at a "green light." This approach prevents the blame and resentment that often follow poorly-aligned financial decisions.
"Because we did green light those things together... I was able to sit in that with you and be like, 'Hey, both of us, like, they fooled both of us... I didn't once have to say... it's you, why didn't you do your homework more?'"
This system creates shared ownership of both successes and failures, removing the poisonous "I told you so" dynamic that damages many relationships after financial setbacks.
Turning Budget Talks into Connection Points
Perhaps the most transformative insight from Scott and Kristen's journey is how they reimagined budget conversations from conflict triggers to connection opportunities.
"In the beginning because it was such an emotionally charged thing, we're like, how can we make it fun and light? So we turned it into 'what's something we can associate that's positive with what feels negative to my nervous system and my psychology?'" Kristen explains.
Their solution? Sushi date nights where they'd discuss finances over favorite foods, creating positive associations with formerly tense conversations.
Over time, these money talks evolved beyond numbers into deeper discussions about values, dreams, and purpose: "Then you get to, you as a couple get to create a shared direction, a shared directive. Man, I want to be a couple that is able to say yes when we have friends in need."
This Week's "Happy Well Homework"
Scott and Kristen challenge listeners to have a money talk this week—but not about numbers. Instead, focus on these questions:
What fills your cup financially? What small expenditures contribute significantly to your emotional and mental wellbeing?
What's a "want" versus a "need" for you personally?
What does financial safety look like for each of you?
The goal is understanding, not accounting. Create a comfortable environment (Kristen suggests her prerequisite: iced coffee) and approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment.
The Journey to Financial Harmony
What becomes clear through Scott and Kristen's candid sharing is that financial harmony in marriage isn't about perfect budgeting or identical money mindsets. It's about:
Understanding each other's emotional relationships with money
Respecting different approaches to financial security
Creating systems that honor both autonomy and partnership
Communicating regularly and honestly about both numbers and feelings
As Kristen reflects on their journey: "It used to be a very scary thing for me. It used to feel very contentious and I would be snappy... But we have, this is just part of our lessons of nearly 13 years of marriage together."
The transformation is possible—from floor-throwing budget reactions to collaborative financial partnership. The key isn't perfecting your spreadsheets but understanding what money represents emotionally for both you and your partner.
The Breakthrough Live Summit is happening on Friday, May 16th! While the in-person event is sold out, virtual tickets are available where Kristen and Scott will guide participants through exercises designed to create breakthrough, clarity, and forward momentum. Find out more and grab your ticket here.
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About Your Hosts
Scott and Kristen built a $20+ million business before realizing that traditional success metrics weren't telling the whole story. They've coached thousands through both business and life transformations, learning firsthand that the path to fulfillment isn't what social media portrays. Based in Colorado with their two kids and two dogs, they bring authentic conversations about what actually creates a well-lived life in today's complex world.
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